Joke of the Day

[seiyafan]

http://teamcoco.com/korea

[dfw_pilot]

How do I know if my West Virginia Socket Set (Crescent Wrench) is metric?

[ Post made via Home Depot ]

[Redtenchu]

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

[Redtenchu]

Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

[dfw_pilot]

As a pilot, this car caught my eye. Not really a "joke of the day", but funny enough:

[Main_sail22]

Not sure if this is the right place...but my mind says yes. Tru green just stopped by and said, "Noticed you have been redoing your lawn the past couple of months(after all the prep work was done and sod was installed)...we can certainly help with making it beautiful. Do you have time to sit and listen to how we can make this possible?

Me: "No...no I don't. I have micro's to apply"

[Redtenchu]

What kind of clothes does a house wear?

a ddress...

GET IT?

[dfw_pilot]

Where does a General keep his armies?


In his sleevies.

[ Post made to gag me ]

[Redtenchu]

Did you hear the joke about the toilet?

Never mind it’s too dirty.

[dfw_pilot]

How many peas are in Irish Pea Soup?

239. If there was one more, it'd be "too farty."

[ Post made via O'malley's Irish Pub ]

[Redtenchu]

Why did the poor man sell yeast?

To raise some dough.

Give me a minute to chew this Laffy Taffy before I post another joke.

[Redtenchu]

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

[Redtenchu]

Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.

[Redtenchu]

Nothing political is correct.

[Redtenchu]

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

[Redtenchu]

This one reminds me of David Hall's Signature:

3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

[dfw_pilot]

There are two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

[ Post made via the server room ]

[dfw_pilot]

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

[ Post made via computer science class ]

[Ware]

Our Public Works Director (I sit on city council) asked me how often I mow. I said, "Every 2-3 days until I get closer to 100% fill, then I'll use a growth regulator that will slow vertical growth by ~50%. Golf courses use it to save machine/man hours -- I use it to save my marriage."

[ Post made after 1.3" of rain today... ]

[dfw_pilot]

LOL! Jealous of your rain.

Did you hear about the Aggie who was on the town council? They were trying to decide what to do with the town's old fire truck after they bought a new one. The Aggie suggested they use the old one for false alarms.