Joke of the Day

[dfw_pilot]

Got a good one-liner or joke? I'll go first . . .

A tired airline captain checks into his hotel after a long flight, and as the front desk clerk hands him his key, he asks her if the porn in his room is disabled.

She gives him a disgusted look and says, "No, it's regular porn you sick, twisted freak!"

[paulr]

took me a second, lol.

[Billybob]

Guy walks into a bar and sees a sign on a jar says for $10 you can win all the money in the jar. Guy says to the bartender what the hell and put in $10. Now how do I win?

You have to do 3 things n if you succeed you get all the money. One....drink a full bottle of peppermint vodka w/o making a face. Two.....go outside, there's a pit bull out there n with your bare hands pull his sore tooth. Three.....there is an old lady upstairs who never had an orgasm so you have to finish her off.

Guy says oh well I lost....no one can do that.

So he does about 10 shots n says what the hell, I'll give it a try. He downs the vodka without making a face. Goes outside n you hear growling and thrashing around, guy comes back in and says ok where is that old lady with the bad tooth.

[dfw_pilot]

LOL!

[Tony alony]

Billybob, Classic !! You devil, .....You!!

[Billybob]

Come on people.....no one has a joke. Everybody has at least one.

[dfw_pilot]

These are corny enough I almost posted them in the Organic forum instead:

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why aren't hemorrhoids called "asteroids"?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

[Mightyquinn]

Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?


Sent from my iOS device using the Yard Help App

[andy10917]

What was wrong with Preparation G and Six-Up?

[Billybob]

One number n letter off? New n improved. 7 is better than 6. I have this special gift of stating the obvious

[BoatDr]

What was wrong with Preparation G and Six-Up?

AHHH GEEEZ.... Now I'm thinking of the focus group.


- Sent From My Sandlot.

[Tony alony]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.    

[Tony alony]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied: 

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!" —

[Billybob]

[ Post made via iPhone ]

[Tony alony]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[dfw_pilot]

Last night I had the craziest dream that I was a muffler. Even more strange: I woke up exhausted.

[Billybob]

Heard this one on the Sopranos. Guy comes home n gives his wife flowers. Wife says I guess u want me to spread my legs now. He said Why don't we have a vase?

[ Post made via iPhone ]

[dfw_pilot]

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

[dfw_pilot]

I'm not paranoid, but everybody thinks I am.

[HanLawn]

Young couple getting ready to go on vacation,and day before they leave wife goes to her Doctor for scheduled exam,comes home and says to husband "I got some bad news,Gynecologist said no sex for two weeks"

Husband replies "what does your Dentist say" ?